I get asked a lot by family and friends, Ashley, have you found a boyfriend yet? I always give the dumb, surface answers to quickly divert from this topic because it’s one that causes me extreme awkwardness and discomfort. It’s to the point where I wonder if I’m maybe aromantic or asexual where I just don’t have the desire to be in a relationship like that because of such little interest unlike everyone else and some people I know who can’t seem to be single for any time at all.. I’m not convinced this is the case anymore though as I really don't feel like those descriptions match me at all and as I explore this when shadow work inevitably becomes a part of work with awakening, I feel like it goes deeper than just not having the desire. I also want, like everyone else, to find someone to share this story with. I also do eventually want to have a family of my own too. I think it stems in part due to things that happened early on in my life with those early friendships coming from mistrust of others using me. This is likely the reason why if people give me the choice to befriend an animal or a human, I will pretty much choose the animal every single time. Maybe I am a bit atypical in the fact that I’m perfectly comfortable being alone too, so I don’t have the drive like others for the fear of being alone really isn’t as much of a thing for me. My desire for a romantic relationship would be to have that deep connection with another being and make them apart of my story and not because I don’t want to journey this story alone if that makes any sense. Due to how personal this is, I will be putting the rest of this behind the paywall, but it's only $2/month to join if you'd like to read more.

Become a Supporter

Doctor Mike reaching 10 million subscribers on YouTube actually made me cry. Ok, I've been an emotional mess again this morning. It's been the theme of the past few weeks (emotion work with non-duality is hard). Anyways, it is because of Dr. Mike that I'm essentially in the position I'm in today. Here's the story. Buckle up, folks. This one is nuts.

It was in 2018 that I was trying to find content on YouTube to watch. I was quite sick having just been diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH) and quite bored as I had the energy of a sloth from the acetazolamide and I think I may have been looking up information on the flu vaccination about when the best time to get vaccinated was. I was dealing with so much that I didn't want to get the flu, but due to getting into some bad information when I was a teenager, I had become skeptical of the flu vaccination. One of Doctor Mike's videos on the subject popped up as one of the first recommendations in the search algorithm. I don't honestly remember for sure which one it was or I'd link it. I clicked. I instantly liked the content. I think I may have binged his content and watched a few reaction videos but I don't remember much after that until I happened to be recommended the interview Z did with Dr. Mike in NY. Here is the link to the video that started it all if you want to check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NtFilETVXI

I instantly clicked on Z's channel after watching this video and found Z's music videos and starting watching some of his older interviews as they were recommended to me. Just randomly, I decided to check Z out on Facebook and noticed a button. Become a supporter. I'm like what is this. I remember once saying, if there was a way for me to support this creator, I would. The music videos were enough on their own and those music videos got me through some very rough days in the fall of 2018 as well.

I clicked the button, watched the pitch video, thought hmm? well if I don't like this, I can always cancel, I guess. Fifty-two (yes 52) months later and I'm still a supporter and at this point, the supporter tribe has become my family. We also have expanded to include a group on both YouTube and also on a startup called Locals. I have my own content on Locals because of how much I love the community we have with the supporter tribe for my own content. It's truly a wonderful community of amazing peeps. 

It was Z who first talked about meditation mainly only with the supporter group at that time. In 2019, after breaking my ankle, I decided I wanted to try meditation after I was not paying attention in the moment and fell down the last couple of basement stairs. My mind also was an untamed menace at the time too. I've had a daily practice pretty much since July, 2019. About a year and a half, maybe it's been two years ago now, Z met Angelo who really opened the non-duality door and opened me up to trying a meditation retreat. I had heard about retreats when reading Sam Harris's book: Waking Up: A Guide To Spirituality With Religion. Having a skeptic like Sam into this also opened my mind as I was extremely skeptical about so much after being burned by so much when I was in high school and after having fallen down a conspiracy theory rabbit hole at that age too. University broke me out of it but almost so hard in the other direction that my alarms bells go off easily too. I was thinking while reading Sam's experience on retreat, there is no way I will ever be able to handle a retreat. Several days of only meditation in silence and alone with only my thoughts? No way. The universe was like hold my beer, I'm sure!

Fast forward to about 2 ish or so years ago and Z had Angelo on for the first set of interviews about Waking Up, Non-duality and those types of topics. I wasn't ready in my own practice for the retreat at the asilomar in California (the first retreat Z tried) and also couldn't afford the trip at that time anyways. I also had just started at my new job at that time too, but had already started saving and planning for the next one when not only I could afford to go but have holidays to go as well. That next one was the retreat I went to in November. Little did I know how much this would change my life. 

My first retreat was an incredible experience. The bonus was getting to meet Z in person at that retreat. The trip in November also had so many firsts for me. The first time flying, the first time travelling alone and the first time I planned everything myself. It was truly empowering. If you want the full details and a bit of a vlog, check out this video on my channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hINiNTKYBs. In the weeks since though, my life has completely changed. I actually cannot put this into words or find a way that expresses it properly. I'm at peace with the fact that this stuff is beyond words, but trying to write about it makes that expression and emphasizing it about how important these past few months have been, very difficult. A lot of this stuff with meditation is extremely personal to me. I talk a bit about it in my video content as it has a huge impact on my life with migraines, but most of it is kept to myself as I'm pretty sure people might would think I've gone completely nuts. I'm not likely to talk about it or feel the need to talk about it unless I'm asked a direct question. 

Bottom line, the YouTube algorithm has completely altered my life. And I will be forever grateful for it.